hurt hurts
12:27am- I was at a with meeting hiding from mail so she wouldn't see me and when sneaking out Maria was talking to me saying she's looking for me. She was drunk and came to my car and said I'll be at your house. I was on a bike taking a co worker home who kept falling off the bike. He ends of falling in water twice and says he good he don't need a ride. She drives past me so I pedal hard to get home but the bike is broke so I start running. I get there and she says not there or says I don't want you. My heart drops and I wake up. Now it's hard to sleep... I did talk to Maria earlier today.
12:38am- I get up to pee and Joseph on my computer .... Now I see why God woke me up. I couldn't help it I just grabbed him up. I almost punched him in the face. I just snapped about them touching my stuff. He's so stupid, a stupid teenager.
12:55am- now I can't sleep. I'm angry... I'm sign these emails and do some deep breath meditation.
5:24am- I tossed and turned all night. Literally all night. When I did fall asleep I kept dreaming of horrible things. Not violence but people cursing me out. Lost my job. Mail with a new man. I mean it wasn't nice... Another thing I'm thinking about. I might NOT buy the house. I'm put in the offer for these two. But I might wait another ten years. I would definitely move out of here though. I ain't staying in this apartment another year. I hope today's a good day.
5:47am-i won't let today be bad. I'm about to get up pray, and start my day. I'm probably get one of those Wawa refresher drinks. Cause I feel a bit tired. But I'm drink some coffee first this morning.
8:07am- what a morning, things been kinda crazy. I'm at work now and feel bit better. At work I know what to expect I feel more in control. Ugh, I'm talk to JoJo later today. I gotta sell more assets today as well. She said to have $6,000 cash ready to go. Even if I don't buy the house. I think I'll take that cash and either buy BTC or pay off debt with it. You know I still think about Mail...I'm hoping I get the 4 bedroom house. Then I can tell mail I got us a house. Stop playing, marry me, live with me, and let's make life. Let me love you out of grief and pain. Let our love for each other be a act of worship to God. That's the type of love I want and deserve...23 wants that with me. I don't know what my future holds, what's going to happen. I have no idea, but I know I'm going to make the best of my life. I'm going to stop living in fear.
10:32am- I miss mail 😭😭 I still love her. I wish she would call me. I look at these other women and don't feel what I feel when I see her. When I look at mail I literally think what are you thinking you gorgeous woman. I wanna know more about her I wanna hear her thoughts I wanna be close to her. Ugh she so dumb. So stupid I just wanna love her and have her love me back. Why can't she love someone who loves her. I love a woman who likes me. I like being liked by someone I like. Ugh... There it is. I like being liked by someone I like. She likes being liked by someone she likes but she doesn't like me so me liking her doesn't do anything for her. 😭😭 Whatever I don't care.... Of course I care but it hurts to care. I'm stop thinking about it.
5:20pm- mail has been on my mind all day. It's annoying.
8:21pm- this woman hit on me a few days ago and gave me her number and I didn't hit her up. And today I was like fuck it let me see what she talking. An omg the conversation is STIMULATING. I'm take her out Friday night and talk more.... Maybe this is God replacing mail... Telling me to move on.
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