God's will be done
5:37am- I dreamt of her ... We had to work together and she was ignoring me. I tried talking to her and she didn't want to talk. I jumped in her face crying and said talk to me and she was crying and was like you hurt me. And I'm like you hurt me. Let's hurt together and we talked and a tree came down and split us up... She haunts me in my dreams. 😭😭
7:09am- God I can't wait to move. These fucking people playing that ghetto kill em up music early in the morning. Like instead of giving thanks to God and speaking positivity into your life. You wake up and play music about killing people and having haters. Get your fucking life together man... Whatever I saw this post.
and immediately I thought to myself that's why God removed her from my life. But here's my problem. Why do I still miss her? Why do I long for her? I pray everyday God takes this feeling away from me. I don't want to desire trash. I don't want to desire someone who is bad for me. And I pray God takes that feeling from my heart and removes her from my thoughts. I pray God prepares me for my wife and sends her to me. Send me a woman I can fully trust and pour into and she would do the same. Our love would be a act of worship to the one true living God. I'm sick of trash ass women who just want to drink and fuck whoever gives them attention. Been there done that. An no more women who seek attention and approval from men. Tired of them to, like dress decent and act like your parents are somebody.
7:28am- I think about still all the time. I genuinely love that woman. From the first time I saw her, I wanted to know who is she. I wanted her and still right now in my pain. I still love her still want her. It has been years since I looked at a woman and wanted to know her... Jameel, Malika, Vanessa, and now her. The only women I looked at and immediately I wanted to know them. I wanted to be with them... I'm going to keep building my life and praying she heals. If she's meant for me she'll come back. If she's not I pray I get over her and move on with my life. I don't want to move on, b but I have to.
8:07am- she is on my mind today, but I'm try not to think about her. I'm try to let it go.
12:56pm- ugh, she's so stupid. I miss her so much. It hurts that she legit didn't want to change. Like I wanted a life with her and I just wanted us to grow together. Eat healthy exercise talk and grow ...I said let's slow down drinking so we can have a baby and she ganna say I'll stop when I find out I'm pregnant. Like what...I thought you wanted to have my baby. Ugh she so stupid but still I miss her I want her...I wish I didn't. But it's fine I'm let her go.
2:21pm- this is literally how I feel.
cause it's two girls hitting me up almost every day trying to get with me and I can't stop thinking about this woman. She's the only girl I want...I just wanna get over her. I deserve better. As far as work is concerned, I'm ready to get off. I just wanna go home and relax.
5:44pm- I'm home and don't feel good... Fuck it's like that anger and annoyance is lingering in my heart and mind. I wanna bury my head in the sand. I'm shower and watch some TV play some magic the gathering. Maybe go get some soda...I need to shower and pray. I don't feel good. I think it's from this woman on my mind. Maybe it's because Monday I might see her. I'm not going to speak to her if I do see her...I think I'm going to stop answering my phone for these other women. They been calling and I sit on the phone and talk to them and all I think about is...I wish this was her on the phone. I wish I could call her right now...I gotta get over this woman. I almost relapsed. How I'm feeling I was thinking of indulging. I want to feel better... But I keep thinking nah man, just pray. Pray and have faith that God will deliver me...I probably don't have a wife because I legit am not ready. I think I'm ready but my spirit and heart are not. My insecurities is because I know I am still a hoe and ready to do some hoe shit given the opportunity. Hell I still kinda seek it out. Little flirting, trying to get phone numbers. Knowing I don't want these women. I legit see them and just think about sex. Not like mail, when I see mail I smile. I want to know about her. I want to love her and be loved by her. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight. I feel weird, feel bad, feel sad, feel like indulging.
8:42pm- showered prayed and did this arise. They ain't got no overnight positions. So I'm look online for over night jobs. I'm try find one at home...damn someone else called me trying to find it if I'm go out bowling tonight. Nah man, I'm scared to see mail there. Scared to see her flirting or happy with someone else. Going out is something I like to do with a partner. With someone I'm dating. An I know that makes no sense. I can't meet someone if I don't go out. But I don't go out unless I have someone. For now I'm just going to put my head in the sand...I miss her all the time and I pray God removes her from my mind and heart. I think the anticipation of Monday is why she's been on my mind so much. But I'm going to stop talking to these women. Cause I honestly don't want them. I only want mail and she doesn't want me. So I rather focus on building my life.
1 my YouTube
2 writing my books
3 getting a part-time overnight job
4 going back to college for cyber security
5 exercising my body to look how I dream and be healthy
6 learn Spanish ASL and salsa dancing and maybe even learn tap dancing.
And hopefully God will send me a wife.
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