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6:28am- these kids really get on my nerves, they really know how to upset my spirit. Like what the fuck man ... I'm trying to stop cursing but damn they get on my nerves. I got so much going on in my life it's hard to be there for them the way I think I should. Their mother is dead and I'm all they got. I want to be gentle I want to be good to them. But man they make it hard.
7:19am- it's hard being bipolar... But on another note. I can't resolve this thing with my kids without another person. Like seriously... They can't stay at their schools without someone else helping me. I can get them to school easily. It's nothing since I'm not starting at 6am. But it's the after school. All these programs end at 6 or 7. An I need a program that'll pick them up from school and keep them until 8-9. Now if I could find that. I wouldn't need anyone and I'd be able to leave the boys. Jojo can't ride his bike to school because there is no sidewalk on that road. His school is literally right up one street. Straight shot, but again no sidewalk. I'm not taking that risk with my baby boy. It's him in mainly concerned about. I want him stay in his special school. It's nothing I can do, Allah controls my life.
10:41am- is going to be a long day. But thank God for the money... I wish I didn't feel this way. Wish I didn't say that yesterday. Wish things would've worked out.
2:55pm- I hate thinking negative of her. It's like why she so dumb. Why would she want to live with her mom and club and bar hope and be with different men. Why wouldn't she want a family. Settle down get married. Have a father for her daughter. Like we could've gotten a bigger house. If I got a 4/3 together we could've gotten a 5/3 or something. Why would she rather eat shit instead of a full course meal.
3:21pm- is not personal, she wants to live her life. An that's how she chooses to live. I honestly wish I never had sex with her. Wish I never answered the phone that night she called me drunk. Mer is right, I stayed with her to long. I prolonged the relationship. She truly never deserved me and I forced it. True to make her want better and she didn't want that. I wish it was easier to let this go. To let her go. I feel dumb, I feel played. But such is life. I played myself.
4:17pm- I'm in a struggle for me life. I need a better life. I NEED more out of life. This shit is not for me. I'm built for more and I know I can have it. I gotta refocus my mind and energy. Let this girl go let go of the desire to be loved and focus on my art and growth. I need more out of life.
7:20pm- fuck that's a long day right there. I can't wait for this shit to be over. I'm annoyed, I'm tired, this is just a lot. But it's got to get done. Thank God for the money.
9:56pm- I got serious mental problems I need to resolve.
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