🙌🏿☺️😱🤯🫥😶🌫️🙌🏿
7:31am- this journey of growth is not easy. It really is a painful process. A hurtful process. An it's like that pain is what makes us better. The strength to endure will totally transform you in ways you wouldn't expect. Today I'm start this audible book. Which should help me process these inner issues. I resolve these anger issues, this fear of being alone, the emotional roller coaster is my bipolar disorder but I think I can learn to manage that. Overall the desire is to grow and become more emotionally stable.
10:45am- I'm getting off late again today. Is going to be a long day. But that's fine, God is good. I want the money. I also think I'm look for a new job. I wanna use my degree, an I wanna work with technology. I'm go back to college and get my masters degree.
1:34pm- being interdependent is different from codependent... I've been codependent. That fear of being alone makes me that way. How I stop doing all my stuff and focus on my partners. Focus on others to stop me from seeing myself.
6:30pm- I really do understand why people don't do the inner work. As I sit with myself and ask myself hard questions and meditate on past experiences. I wanna cry for myself. Cry for my inner child. I really been through a lot. Neglected, abused... I really used money as a crutch to ignore my emotions. Drugs and sex and alcohol to numb my pain and feeling of loneliness. This is not going to be easy or fast. This shit hurts. Confronting the voices. Healing and helping the little me ... Reparenting that call it.
7:31pm- it's a hurtful thing how easily I'm triggered, how easily my heart drops and it starts racing. The thought of being alone forever scares me. Never knowing love scares me. Never being with someone who likes me for me and I can honestly be the full me to them. I've never been in a relationship that allowed me to be myself to the fullest. A relationship that I could speak freely and openly. Share my vulnerabilities and pains. I really wanted to heal with someone. But it's like no, no you gotta heal alone.
7:45pm- I'm embarrassed to say it, but I can't and don't look over into other people's car. I'm scared I'll look over and see her. An I legit don't ever want to see her again. Not because I'm bitter but because it's like for what? She never cared about me but pretended to. An honestly that hurts my feelings. It's not a personal thing. But it hurts me that she knows and knew I'm offering her real love a real adult life. Living in a house, getting married, spending time together with our kids. And she rather club, bar hop, and live in her pain. An it makes me think. Why did I never meet a girl I like who wanted that. Cause I could've done it with her. But it's like God is saying. If he would've sent me a woman who did want those things and want me and I wanted her. I would've never changed. I never would've started this journey to heal my inner child. My inner child whose been BEGGING for my attention.
9:25pm- this inner work ain't easy... But look at these pictures I got from a yard sale. I'm mail them to my friends. Tanvi, rebs, Asia, and I'm keep the rest.
two of them I'm keeping. I'm celibate but I still love debauchery.
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