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5:55am-i went to bed at midnight. I'm tired. But I'm not tired.
7:21am- I might start writing the draft in my Google docs than copy and paste to my blog. To fix the spelling and grammar. I'm figure everything out. I got so much I want to do and going to do. The key is staying focused and getting it all done. Because I can, and I will. In 6 months I want my life to be so different. I want to be so different. Get my weight back up but strictly muscle. 12-15% body fat but my weight is 155-160 is perfect to me. Driving my Tesla, my YouTube channel popping, my books selling, I'm tufting and selling rugs, I'm in a new job dealing with technology that pays great and schedule allows me to care for my kids and have a personal life. I'm really get things going. First real step is to continue healing my broken heart. Continue to heal my inner child to make him feel secure and safe.
1:38pm- it's going to be a long day at work... As I do this work to talk to the child inside me. To deal with my inner world and persons. I understand more and more why I'm hurt and how I got hurt. My father wasn't there for me when I was a kid, my older brother who I loved adored and looked up to abandoned me. He ran away from home when I was like 9-10. My mother was abusive and was never there for me emotionally... I've felt abandoned and alone all my life it feels like. I remember when I was 13 I was going to have sex with Jameel and all I thought about was I hope I can have my own family. I always knew I wanted to be a father. I wanted my own family. I wanted to be better than my father. He died and I got nothing... I knew I wouldn't and couldn't do that to my kids. I would leave them something... Sitting alone with myself really hurts but it's important because I need to heal my inner child. I've felt so alone for so long. I've neglected myself for so many years.
3:35pm- is a deep fear of being alone. A deep fear that I'm never going to find the love I think and feel I deserve. That'll I'll never be loved. That who I am is unlovable an that's why no relationships have worked. Which is such an odd feeling because I don't think that. But I feel that in my stomach in my heart. I think logically so I understand exactly why my relationships didn't work. But my heart says emotional things like who you are isn't loveable. It isn't what women want. But literally women tell me I'm who they want. So why do I feel that way. Because the women I want don't want me? It's such an odd feeling.
4:00pm- hey yo, Maria invited me over. I'm go hang with my friend tonight. I haven't seen her in weeks. I been in my feelings dealing with this heartbreak. But another thing I thought about is how each of our childhood really shaped us, really got us into who we are. An we can know we're hurting on the inside and do nothing about it because the work is painful. It's so much easier to think someone will accept me as I am and I don't need to change. An it's like growth and change and healing with someone is such a blessing and such a thing to do as a form of self love. I'm learning so much from this book from sitting with myself.
4:17pm- it's about being with someone who wants a us. That's a partner. What's to learn you and learn themselves and grow together. It has to be a desire to want someone in your life that you can learn and grow with and achieve goals. Than you learn to talk and open up to each other.
4:26pm- I realize now that another reason I was so broken so hurt is I legit committed to her, an all my life I've had commitment issues. Never willing to commit to any woman any apartment any car payment. I married Vanessa but I cheated the whole time. I've never committed, but than with E I was ready to commit, I wanted to commit, I did commit .. so it hurt to let go. It hurt to walk away. What an odd truth.
6:04pm- all of us is trying to grow through life. Hurt by experiences and trying to deal with the emotions that come from that event. The universe has a grand plan. God watches over us leading us in a direction. This work really does hurt, the self honesty will make you wonder what's wrong with you. How could you do this to yourself. But I keep reminding myself that I deserve patience and understanding. I made mistakes but I'm willing to take accountability and grow from them. I identify my flaws and want to be better. This goes into the pros and cons list. Understanding yourself who you are and who you want to be.
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