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5:31am- why the fuck did I just wake up from dreaming and sitting and talking to mail. Like I could hear the conversation. We was talking about why we not living together. How she hurt me. How I hurt her. That was CRAZY!!
2:37pm- I got the stuff from my mom's, moved stuff out my apartment and about to make another trip. But I'm break down this bed frame for real... I got triggered today and again she on my mind. I wonder if she thinks of me. If she looks are her jewelry (I bought most of it) and think of me. If when she's in her car looking at her radio she thinks of me (I paid to get it fixed for her) if she sees her jewelry box or the toys I got her daughter and she think of me... Probably not, she probably doesn't give a fuck! I'm just a overly emotional dude.
5:09pm- boom I need to put my bed together...I hate that I keep looking for her car. I keep looking for her. My phone rings or I get a text and I'm hoping it's her. But I know it's not going to be her. An it's like man God, just remove her from my heart and mind. Free me from this desire for her. I just wanna move on with my life. Move on from this feeling. I need to move on, I hate feeling this way. Hate this undertone anger, this silent hurt I feel. The longing for love, the desire for companionship...I'm making another trip to the house. Tomorrow I'm taking the boys there to spend the weekend. And God willing we'll start living there Monday. I'll drop both them to work than head to work. I'm going to pay for the b&g tonight.
7:11pm- yeah I'm thinking by tomorrow I could have everything out that apartment and be fully in my house. Than the fun begins. Tonight I'm going to go back and finish setting up my bed, so I'll probably go back home around 9:30-10. I'm just ready to get away from there. To leave fort Pierce and start fresh. I actually am really proud of myself. Clerk hit me up to hang out but I declined. Like I'm not doing that anymore. I ain't destroying my soul anymore fucking that married woman. And honestly I'm not over mail. I don't want to have sex with anyone until I'm completely over mail. And I still think about her. I still look for her car, hope for a text or call. Which is dumb because she's blocked. An I'm not unblocking her until she shows effort to fix our love. She has realize I'm worth fighting for. I'm worth being vulnerable... She probably doing it for this other dude who ain't no where what I am.
7:30pm- I get sad when I think about it. How she could've been here with me. Her me and the kids together living in our house. I would've loved that. It's like how or why would she crave a life of clubs and bars and different men. Like what about a father for your child. What about stability. What about building a future for not just yourself but your family. The people you love. Your mom, nieces and nephews. What about a better life... I just don't get it but it's not my place. And some people really don't think they deserve better. They're stuck in their own way. Blocking their own blessings.
8:00pm- next year I'm buying a Tesla, that's my big goal. And pay off this debt. Well hell my goals are the same.
1. Cash rich life style (no debt, only mortgage)
2. Get bachelor's degree (in cyber security)
3. Buy a used Tesla ($20k or less cash)
4. Make $100,000 a year solo (after taxes with degree or without)
5. Build brand (YouTube, books, movies, tufting)
6. build self (learn languages, healthy living & body)
Not in any order either, just things I'm going to seriously work on. An I can do all these things by myself. Shit I bought a house by myself. No father, no spouse, no mother, nobody helped me. Just me one and my kids and God did this. I pray God will send me a wife who will recognize my value and add to my life. But I'm so done with fort Pierce. I've yet to meet chick worth anything from here. An I'm not even joking. Even the chicks at my job from this place are just 🫤🥴 nah man. I need a God fearing good woman who recognizes a man with potential and uplifts him. A woman who wants a man. That hardcore I don't need a man shit is played out. That shit for the birds. I want a lover girl, a girl who wants a man and wants to get married and wants a family and wants to live with her man and build and improve her life with someone. And as she learns me she'll decide I want to do all that with Joseph R Bristol! Cause baby, I'm seriously D@T GUY.
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