I'm still mourning the life I could've had
10:18am- ok let's get the day started. I got up early but did nothing. I just ran to Walgreens to get some snacks and batteries. I'm change the lock and put up curtains. Today I wanna make a video watch joker 2 and make a video on that as well. And take a walk around the neighborhood with the boys. Eat snacks and have a chilled day.
10:43am- damn Asia didn't tell me her kids home alone. I'm go get them right now. I don't want them home alone bored by themselves. I feel kinda lonely. Thinking about last Christmas with E. I really do want a family.
10:55am- ok cancel that, guess it'll be me and my boys alone. Such is life. I'm fine with that.
1:23pm- great fucking day so far. I got the cameras hooked up and Google, put up a shower curtain. Things are going good. I ain't make a video or go for a walk yet.
1:37pm- I’m watch joker 2 now…The holiday isn’t exactly how I want. I would’ve loved to be with a partner. To spend the day with loved ones to be with my soul mate. My life partner. But it’s fine, instead I’m here with my kids in our house making it our own. I’m off on Sunday so I think I’m going to do some painting and take my kids to dave and buster sunday night. Yeah Sunday night, I’m take them to dave and buster and celebrate our new home. I think I’ll spend $100 to $200. I also got a merry christmas text from a 772 number and I have no idea who it is. I responded and left it alone, because as I’ve said before and I’ll say again. I only want to be with a woman who wants to be with me. Who actually makes an effort to be with me. Reaches out, calls, texts, ask about me. Etc..this way i know I can shower her with my love because she wants me. Lets watch this movie.
5:15pm- damn man…that shit really does hurt. This girl wasted a year and 4 months of my life. Knowing she ain't want me and the girl played with me. Wasted my time for real. Got me in my feelings missing a life that could've been but never was. Genuinely hurtful stuff, an she gets to move onto someone new and I'm here hurting in my feelings. What a fucking universe! What an existence! What a life!!!
6:19pm- Now today I really sat with my emotions. I didn’t complain to anyone about how I feel. I mean I’m complaining here, but that’s ok. The whole purpose of this is for me to express myself. To release my truth into the ether, into the world, into the universe. So I can sit with myself knowing I have no secrets or hidden agendas. I’m just a human experiencing life and sharing it with other humans who want to know about my experience. For whatever reason they want to do that. I will say next year I’m going to talk a lot less to people and simply do, simply pop out and show people. But today was rough emotionally, on the inside that sadness was with me. That fear and hunger for human connection was with me. I felt hurt all day honestly. I got a little excited to get Asia kids and have them over. Like it wouldn't feel so lonely but than that fell through. But then I thought to myself, why didn’t I go for that walk with my own sons. I should have taken them outside. But they stayed in their rooms playing video games and I stayed in my room watching a movie. I did some work today so that’s good, an I made a video today so that’s good as well. Basically worked on my house and worked on my art so that’s something to be proud of. But I would’ve liked to connect with my children and connect with another person today. I got to talk to Tina a bit which was nice. I had not heard her voice in a few weeks. Today was a bit hurtful but I’m grateful for my life. For this life I live. I’m upload this reel to real and go pray with my kids and probably watch a bit more TV or work on my book and head to bed. I’m tired but I’m not tired. I think emotionally I feel drained…the hurt and sadness is draining. An oddly enough i’m still confused on who the hell texted me this morning. But we’ll wait and see if they hit me up again. Context clues will tell me who it is. I don’t remember the number, I wonder if it’s Brittney (E fake cousin) which is the only number from her family that I didn’t block. Oh what’s app might be able to tell me.
10:15pm- 2025 I’m going to do big things for real man. I’m going to stay focused. I legit think about E and miss her. An I wish her the best. I also wish she would realize how happy would have been with me. But that’s life. I deserve good love, real love, honest and open love. I deserve a woman who legit wants the world to know she’s my woman and respects my thoughts and feelings. An sadly E didn’t and doesn’t plus she legit needs to heal. Because to just jump to another dick overnight. Yeah you got some real self esteem heart broken destroying yourself type stuff going on. An sadly you don’t want to heal with anyone you rather live in your pain…but hey I’m still sad about the life I could’ve lived with her.
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