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6:45am- I don't remember the dream but I know I dreamt of Mesha. It felt odd like she was telling me something. But I can't remember what she was saying. She said something important too I think…whatever I had to fall back on Mesha, nonetheless on this cold day. This inner work ain't easy y'all, but it's a life long journey and I'm ready. Honestly learning to not sit in my ego has been hard but easy at the same time. It's kinda like ok Joseph…why does this thing bother you? Why does it hurt your feelings. Than it's like oh that's why, because blah blah blah. Just straight honesty with myself.
8:01am- it's like I'll just angry all of a sudden. That anger or disappointment deep inside me bubbles up to the surface. I don't want to be angry. Don't want to think negative of people. I don't want to be this guy that's always just like upset. I'm at work and I suddenly feel myself angry that I'm here.
9:11am- it's looking like 7 tonight. But I also don't know why I'm so angry today.
10:37am- I seriously feel emotional today. I'm sitting with it. But I'm trying to figure out why. What triggered me.
10:56am- I wonder if it's the breakfast. I ate a croissant orange and something else. I think it's the food. Because I legit feel emotional. Not just slightly but that feeling of loneliness is back. The feeling that I'm lacking something. I don't like that.
11:15am- I'm missing her. That's what I'm feeling…what an annoyance. I'm not really thinking about her. But in my stomach. In my gut. I miss her. If she's meant for me. She'll heal realize it and email me, or call me *69 and leave a message. She will make an effort to fix this. IF SHES MEANT FOR ME!!!
12:57pm- do I miss her or do I miss having my own person. Because I couldn't talk to her. I would bring things up and try talking to her and she would say she don't want hear that she don't care etc etc…is like I couldn't talk to her. But I wanted to talk to her. So what do I miss? She literally said she don't see a future with me.
1:54pm- I really can't figure out why I'm so emotional today.
2:13pm- people ask me if you knew she didn't like you or she didn't see a future with you and said it to you and all that. Why did you stay? Why do you still want her? And it's like because she deserves good love. She broken and hurt and I've been there …and maybe because I don't love me as much as I think. Because I'm more afraid to be alone and so I'll accept a shitty partner…but I wouldn't just take her back right now. She would have to show me she changed and is ready to keep growing with me. Idk I don't know. Cause it's like why the fuck am I back on that? Back on thinking of her back on this I want her bullshit. Fucking girl still ain't reach out to fix this or nothing. She's moved on getting fucked by men and I'm still healing. I gotta figure out what's wrong with me for real. I know it's my insecurities but it's like I'm addressing that. So what more do you want from me Joseph.
2:58pm- it's like bro, she needs to heal. There is nothing I could've done to make her love me. To make her value me to make her see we could be happy together. Literally nothing I could've done.
3:36pm- is like come on man. She's hurt and damaged and in that cycle don't be hard on her. And we did our best to love her and show her our value and how good our life could be and she didn't want that. She wants to live with her mom and go to clubs and bars and fuck men. She's still in her hoe phase. That's ok let her live. U was there at one point as well.
4:11pm- I hate that I feel confused…I feel like I'm supposed to get over her. She's never coming back. She's not going to change and see I'm what's best. But I feel like she's going to come back ready to change and be together. But if like God why am I confused? I know she's not for me so why is she still in my heart? Why do I still want her? This shit dumb. I gotta figure out why I feel this way.
4:21pm- I can't figure out what triggered me!!!
5:07pm- an a fuck head will think. Oh Joseph you bitter. You calling her a hoe cause she dumped you. No jackass I broke up with her and I'm calling her a hoe because we broke up and the next week she was sucking another man's dick. She literally blocked me to talk to another dude and fucking him a week after we broke up. That's a hoe move. Duh!!
5:21pm- my ego is still hurt. I think I'm still in love with her. And she's not going to change and I'm scared I'll never be loved like I give love. That's my truth.
6:19pm- I really would've liked to make a life with her…but I wouldn't have been happy. I would've felt so insecure and been so unhappy. I literally would've settled for her. She didn't like me and everything about her actions and words towards me showed it. I tried to force it and that's sad on my part. That's my bad. I have to treat Joseph better. I just want to be loved. I want to love someone with all my heart and be loved back with all their heart…I literally just want to find my person. The person who I can marry and build a life. If God is so merciful, he will allow us to have child(ren). If not, than just having her is enough. I'm heading back to the office. I'm ready to go home. I'm sad…tonight I'm just going to bed. Maybe I'll do some writing. But I don't feel good and want to start again tomorrow. I have no idea where this came from. I was good this morning.
6:32pm- nope can't go home yet…I wanted 3 big checks in January and God is giving it to me. My kids are home I'm single and lonely. Might as well make money
6:43pm- I got to stop thinking negative. What if me and her are meant to be together but we need to heal separately…. What if she's on a healing journey as well right now. Her journey is her getting ran through by shit men for her to realize Joseph really was good to me and I need to heal and get my man back. Ugh…..I hate this for me. What the fuck happen to trigger these feeling. It's gotta be the food this morning. I ate that sugar and boom. Emotional…
7:54pm- I'm going home now …. But today was rough. Today was real rough. I can't wait until this is over for real. It feels so unfair.
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