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6:48am- ok I definitely gotta go to bed early and wake up earlier. I had a crazy dream. I dreamt Edith came back and we talked. We talked for hours and she cried and I cried and we just talked. I literally remember seeing myself saying everything. Telling her everything…but yeah so I woke up and I didn't touch my phone. I only touched it to turn down the volume so I can pray. But I got up and started doing my stuff. Drink water, wash up, pray, pack my lunch, make my bed, journal…but I wanna practice my Duolingo and workout in the morning. That's important as well. I pray today is a great day. It started really really good. I'm grateful to God.
7:41am- gratitude is so important. I wanna make that my main frequency. Gratitude and love. I know God is watching over me. This hurt and pain I feel it's not in vain. It has purpose, it has value. I just don't know what the purpose or value is.
8:12am- it's going to be a long day today. It's looking like 7-8 tonight I'm get off. Oh man that sucks. But I want the money. So I'm grateful…an I got no reason to rush home. I'm genuinely grateful for my life.
1:29pm- I really had to get my heart broke to get back on track. God really had to break me down and hurt me to get me back close to him. To get me to stop and change my ways.
3:10pm- I really don't know what's happening in my life. I know I'm comfortable and ok with the job I have now. I'm ok and going to stay a bit longer. I only wanna get a new job because I can't be with her. And is like I'm doing my YouTube and focusing on my books. It's like why can't I get over this girl. Why do I want her so badly. Especially since she doesn't want me. But it's like I don't know that…an next time I see her if I ever see her again. I wanna ask her. So you're happy with how your life is without me? Like this is what you want your life to be? But it's like yo bro you'll be fucking crushed if she says yes. But than again I wouldn't. Because she thinks living with her mom in her grandpa house going to bars and clubs every week in her mid 30s with a daughter is a satisfying life. So the fuck does she know about standards and a good life. She literally said to me it's ok to date a dude without a job or place to stay who she was buying things for him and paying for all their dates. Like girl…you like trash…but what does that say about me that I want to be with her? She deserves good love, her father deserves a father, be she deserves to know what real love is like…ugh I'm just fucking annoyed.
4:36pm- I am trying so hard not to fill up my day with a bunch of stuff just to be distracted from the feeling of loneliness and hurt that i feel. I don't wanna mask my feelings and ignore them…but I think I'm going to sign back up for college. An just take one class…I also think anytime I think of her I'm going to tell myself she doesn't care she's moved on let's do the same. And repeat that over and over until I stop thinking of her.
7:05pm- time to go home…I miss her. But I'm stop thinking of her. I gotta let her go. Everytime I talk to a woman I think of her.
7:41pm-dang Jessica called me and we was talking and I mentioned E and how I was thinking of writing her a letter (which I'm not going to do. Because if she wanted to be with me she would need to reach out to me) and Jess was like don't do it don't make a fool of yourself. She don't care. My heart dropped. Because what do you know that I don't? Like damn that's hurtful as fuck. An it's like damn God why the fuck can't I just move on and be over this woman.
8:11pm- I hate when I get triggered. Like this shit hurts man. It hurts that she just moved on like that. And I really fucking loved her. But mer was telling me “Joe it's your ego that's hurt. It's your savior complex, your attachment issues. Because you know she's not good for you. You know she doesn't want what you want out of life. Look at her situation compared to yours. You know being with her won't fulfill you. It's some deep rooted stuff why you're hurt about her. Dig deep to figure it out." An I don't know maybe she's right. Or maybe I genuinely love her and feel like me and her are meant to be together but she's too dumb and hurt to realize it. And God keeps her in my heart and mind so when she comes back I'll accept her…or I'm being fucking delusional because I'm sad about being single and alone and not fucking. I really can't figure it out. But either way my insides hurt and I'm sad and hurt and it's hard to attack l shake the feeling. I'm going to shower and then I'm going too bed because I don't feel good…I think I'm look into doing to college. Occupy my time more with different productive things to build my life while I still do the inner work to resolve my insecurities, childhood trauma, fears of loneliness, and deep desire to help those I feel sorry for…y'all pray for me.
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