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6:25am- I went to bed early feeling good. I woke up slightly tired though, which was odd. An I had dreams but I don’t remember how they made me feel. I don’t remember what they were about either. Which makes me feel and think that the dreams were not that important. They wasn’t a sign or message. It was more of just my brain processing information. Processing the day or my subscience ideas and beliefs. I’m ready to get this day over though. They are going to come and fix the water heater and fix the wall in Jophiel room. So God willing when I come home things will be good and ready for the next phase of making my house what I want. I wanted to say making my house a home but a home is a building filled with family and love…well I guess I have a home than. Because I have the love of my children and we have each other. But I consider a home when I have my wife to share my life with. For now we continue on this journey. Continue this path of growth and self discovery and understanding. Although more and more I realize I have to seriously limit the access some people have to me. I can text them but that phone call stuff. I don’t wanna do that with these people. I don’t wanna hear them speaking. Hear them speaking negative and talking about their problems. It’s like nah man I’m good on that. The path I’m on I don’t want that energy in my life in my ears. But then I fear I’m simply running and hiding as opposed to being able to stand in my truth and deal with the reality of negativity. It’s a odd thing.
7:05am- Ok tonight I need to find a couch. Like I seriously need to start looking and order it. Also I wanta rug for the living room. I wanta rug for my room and a walk in rug. Basically I need to fix up my house and seriously focus on it. I’m looking at couches on walmart. Let me go to work though.
10:04am- this week I was not feeling Duolingo.
i had a few emotional days. I'm try to do better. Today it'll be a long day at work.
1:45pm- this shit is crazy. One minute I'm ok the next minute I'm hit with a wave of sadness and doubt. A feeling of despair, hopelessness, Loneliness, fear. The book I listened to said it would be like that. Because my old self is clinging on for dear life. It doesn't want me to become a new person. It holds on as tight as it can. Bringing up old thinking patterns. But I'm sitting with myself. I haven't called or text anyone. Today I'm going to be alone. No phone calls or text. I'll respond but I'm not sending any. And I'm just trying to sit with my feelings and hear my mind and body. Hear my spirit lead my thinking. This shit hard man... I still feel hurt and sad.
2:02pm- just got the text the wall is fixed water heater installed. Me house is coming together. I can't wait to go home and test it.
4:25pm- I literally miss her everyday.
4:45pm- since I know my swimmers are swimming. I need to find out how good. But also that makes me want to have another kid. But I don't want a baby mama. I wanna get married to a woman who is madly in love with me and we have a child(ren)
7:01pm- I literally didn't talk to anyone until about hour ago. No text no phone calls today. I only spoke to the guys working at the house. Tomorrow I think I'm going to do the same thing. I'm just chill with my kids and probably work on some videos. But I don't think I'm talk or text anyone until later in the evening. I'm sit with myself again. I gotta purge myself of the old me. Purge myself of this fear of being alone. This fear of never being loved or understood.
7:15pm- I love being home. I need to find a couch. I wanna finish up the living room.
7:47pm- oh snap I can change the temperature of my water heater online. And set it to different degrees for different days during different times.
plus it tells me how much hot water has been used and how much is left. Damn I love technology.
8:21pm- boom video uploaded and house improved. So today has been a great productibe day. I'm shower, pray, and meditate. Then probably lay down watch YouTube and go to bed. I need to get back into writing my books and doing that. But I been feeling emotional. Feeling sadness. I think it's more sad about losing my old life. Losing the woman I was absolutely utterly in love with. But yeah... Oh let me show y'all how the wall is fixed in the baby boys room so now I gotta start working on fixing up they room how they want it.
10:26pm- this growth is hard... I had to let her go. I keep reminding myself. I had to leave her alone. She didn't want to stop drinking, stop going to clubs and bars, didn't see a future with me, didn't want to grow up and advance our connection. She didn't want me. So I had to let her go. I keep reminding myself. Because my ego keeps getting hurt at the idea that she didn't want me. But it's like stop that. She didn't want to be better for herself, better for her daughter, better for her mom and family, better for God. She didn't want to be better for anyone... WHY WOULD SHE BE BETTER FOR ME!?! it doesn't make sense. But my ego keeps saying she didn't want us... I have to keep growing. Keep becoming better. Keep on my path of betterment and growth. I want a wife who wants to be better as well. A wife who wants to grow and build a life together. Who sees me and sees a future. See me and thinks I love him and want to be with him. Each day she'll choose me and I'll choose her and we'll grow as people and grow deeper in love with each other and our love will be a act of worship to the one true God.
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