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10:41pm- everything I do now I consider if it's from the ego or from love. I stop and think about what my actions say about me and what they say to me. Like why am I going back to college? What is the purpose of cyber security? It’s to make more money so I can secure my lifestyle. So I can help my mom, sister, Areba, Mer. I want to be able to help my friends and family. Secure my kids future and secure my grandchildren (if i have any) and potential future children. I want to be able to afford all my expenses and luxury things (tesla, rental property, 1 BTC). Why do I make youtube videos? Because I want to share my thoughts and messages. I want people to hear my thoughts and feelings because I think it’ll change someone. I think it’ll help the world be a better place by helping others understand that life is and can be much better. But they may feel alone doing that. Why am I writing books? Because it’s like my youtube videos I want to change the world. An I feel like some messages are better received through storytelling. Why do I blog? I want to share my life. I want to expose myself to the world. I want people to know that they’re not alone, they don’t have to feel embarrassed and ashamed of being alive. It’s like look at me, I’m a regular guy just like you. I’m figuring it out just like you. I have shame and hurt and discomfort just like you. I try to be super aware of what I’m saying and why. Why I’m talking to someone and what is the purpose of it. I try to watch what I say. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to be seen a certain way. Trying to be perceived as a certain type of person. I don’t want that. I want to be me.
7:37am- there is no easy way to endure this pain. This constant pain I feel everyday. I wake up hurt, go to sleep hurt, go to work hurt, it's a constant drumming on my heart. The constant reminder that I'm without. That I'm alone. That I tried and I failed. It's like why is my old self trying so hard to resist my new self.
9:03am- ok now I'm getting up. I guess I needed that extra sleep. I did go to bed around midnight last night. Watching YouTube thinking about my life. I feel emotional today. I feel off. I'm work through it but it's there. Whispering to me. I'm wash up pray meditate and eat breakfast. Maybe I'll film around noon. But today I'm not talking to anyone.
9:15am- she'll get her water today. I deleted her address out of my Amazon. I'm not going to show anymore kindness. I have to let her go. But honestly I didn't order the coconut water for her to talk to me. I legit saw it and thought about her and my spirit said order it for her. She would like that. So I did. But I didn't send a note or gift or even put my name. So hopefully she doesn't know who sent it. I don't want her to reach out to me because of it. I told y'all I want real love. I want someone who wants to grow individually and together. Someone who looks at me and what I got going on and chooses me everyday. Chooses us and works on us everyday. I want real love.
10:06am- God don't want me drinking coffee. Flipping Jojo broke my coffee pot. Good thing I ordered my juicer. So I'm just start making all natural energy juice. I gotta buy this couch.
10:52am- the boy closed his room door yesterday so I ain't want to bother him. But the wall is done.
so now I can prime the wall before paint. But I'm thinking about just making this the wall with the wallpaper. I'd have to take down this shelf I put up. But I feel good knowing it's done. Yeah this year I think I'll wait to buy my Tesla. Instead I'm just spend my money on my house and paying down debt. Next year I'll buy my used Tesla cash.
1:46pm- these next couple of JB show episodes are going to be DEEP. They're going to be long as well. I had a productive day today. I'm really proud. I did filming, I cleaned out my car, I'm going to cook. Overall today is looking really good. Really productive.
4:14pm- what a beautiful day. I just made some steak broccoli and rice and it was GOOD. And now I'm watching YouTube. And I'm fold my cloths and probably go back and edit these videos. I was supposed to go to Publix to get some bread and other things. But nah, I ain't in no mood to leave my house. I'm sitting with myself today. I'm so grateful for this life I have. This life God has given me. This life I manifested.
6:54pm- sometimes I feel myself slipping back into that old mentality that old self. That anger…
7:54pm- I really love how I can see stars from my front yard. I can't wait until I can sit outside with my person and look at the stars and talk. I gotta do it alone. Do it with my son's. I wanna buy some chairs and a fire pit.
9:11pm- God is good. My life is good. I and you have EVERYTHING we want and need. We already have the thing we want. We already have the thing we're praying for. We already have the thing we desire. We need only see it and be grateful for it. Fear is rooted in the future. It's rooted in looking ahead. Live in the now. Love the now. And you will find peace you will kill fear. Remember we're all connected. We're all one. You're not who you believe you are because you're always changing and growing. Embrace it and recognize the frequency you're existing in. Y'all be blessed and know I pray for you daily. I pray you can heal you can grow you can tap into the love and God and live in love live in your higher self. Know you are not the you from yesterday. You're not your past. You can be anyone you want to be. You can choose to change right now and no one can say you're still your old self. You are who you choose to be.
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