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5:59am- I had a dream about my family. I think it’s because I was arguing with them yesterday. Damn cousin pissed me off by coming at me like I owe him an apology. I ain’t apologizing for nothing. I stand on what I said because it’s the truth. They don’t like that it’s the truth an it makes them feel some way. Oh well, too bad. She shouldn’t have done that an I wouldn't have said it. But beyond that I didn’t have any dreams I could remember. I slept pretty good but woke up a bit tired. The magnesium helps me fall asleep for sure, but I think I took too much and that makes me feel tired when I wake up. I’m not sure though, I think I probably need to take it earlier. Like around 8:30-9 instead of 9-9:30. Also I realized that in the box with the coconut water it shows the billing address. So she text me, but I deleted the text and didn’t respond. I didn’t buy it for her to talk to me. Because that’s nasty work that she only said something to me because I got her something. I literally just did it to be kind, to be nice to her. Nothing else…when and if she comes back it has to be her realizing she fucked up and wants to make things right. She has to come to the conclusion that she wants to spend her life with me. Then she will have to call me and speak to me on the phone or face to face for me to know she actually wants to be with me. For now I try not to think about the fact that the whore is fucking another man knowing she belongs with me….why did I say that…I’m still slightly hurt and angry I guess. I still want her I think. Which is God it has to be. Everyday I’ve been praying if she’s not for me to take her from my heart and mind and still yet I think about her. I feel hurt when I think about her with others. But than again maybe that’s my ego. My ego feels hurt. An I’m not my ego. I’m not that person anymore. I am everything I am everyone. I am a spirit experiencing this existence. Let me get ready for work. I feel like if march comes or valentines come and still nothing from her. I’m probably just seriously move on with my life. I’m going to force myself to actively pursue another woman. Maybe I really do need another woman to forget all about her. Hell she jumped on new dick to forget me and it seems to be working…but I keep thinking to myself. That ain’t you Joseph. You ain’t like that. That’s her, not you.
6:41am- they denied me the one job. But didn't deny me the second. New jobs are posted tomorrow so let's see. I'm keep going, get a different position or get a new job.
7:11am- for some reason I feel annoyed this morning. I wonder if I'm hungry, or if it's the idea of going to this job. This job I feel is beneath me. Which means I need to seriously do my cyber security, write my books, do my YouTube. I don't want to be angry all the time because of my job.
7:42am- damn kids broke my coffee pot so no coffee for me. An I was thinking about buying some coffee and breakfast…ugh…fuck it I'm going to. Is Monday, is going to be a long day at work today. Let me start the day with coffee and a sandwich. After work I'm go grocery shopping. For sure I have to get my budget in order and stop spending so freely.
12:56pm- I ain't getting off until around 8 tonight. But for sure I'm go visit Tina and Tanvi this weekend. Fuck it…. Oh and that girl said I wanna give you my number but you not ready. You still hurt over your ex. An I wanted to say yeah but we can still have sex while I wait for her to come back. Cause I don't look at her how I see E. She's still the only woman I looked at and wanted to learn about. Didn't look at her from a lust mindset. She's…the one for me. But I didn't say it to her. I legit don't want to be that guy anymore. Living in lust. Having sex for fun. I'm tired of being a hoe. I don't wanna be a hoe no more. I wanna be a husband.
2:05pm- is the doubt for me. It's like I get moments of clarity. A clear sign from God. I can literally feel peace humility and and joy. It fills my heart and I know this is from God. This message is from God. He is speaking to me. Then the next day or worst a few hours later the doubt creeps in. My mind starts trying to make logic out of the message. Starts trying to say how I'll react when this or that. How I'm do this or that if this or that happens. And that doubt makes me doubt the clarity of the message God sent me. I have to keep reminding myself. Faith isn't about logic. It's about knowing God will do it. Trusting he will do it. Faith is more than just sign after sign after sign. It's God giving you a sign and you believing and holding true to it. Something is happening in my life. There is a huge shift taking place. I can feel the big reward coming. I wanna say I'm not sure what it is but I think I know what it is and I'm so ready. I'm sticking to this life. Celibate, sober, ego death, focused on existing in love…I sat with myself today as well. No music, no YouTube , no phone calls. Just me and my thoughts as I work.
4:07pm- I gotta get back to writing. This book reminds me of it.
i need to write. I need to get to work.
6:21pm- I hate how the doubt creeps in corrupts all my thoughts. Starts making me talk negative. Thinking negative. It comes in telling me none of this matters. None of my sacrifices and fasting will mean anything. It tells me to just do whatever I want. Because in the end it doesn't matter. But it's like it does matter, it has to matter. It has to amount to something meaningful. Something positive, because doing positive uplifting things should result in positive things. How could it not? Why would it not? I don't like feeling doubt.
7:46pm- today I really asked myself what is important to me? Like what am I doing with my life? What is my purpose? Because on one hand I'm resisting my desire to be someone. But it's like be someone for what? It's like what does it mean to be someone? I have my son's, which honestly don't make me happy. This guy Jophiel don't fucking listen. He doing good in school but doesn't do any of his chores. Or this guy Joseph who is failing one of his classes and has C’s in the other two. He's just upsetting to see. He thinks so fucking smart and is like dude. You ain't that smart. You ain't me. At that age I had a job and was in school knocking out the work. I graduated high school at 16. He's 14 in the ninth grade. He's not going to graduate at 16. It's like what do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to be? What is my external happiness? Because internally I'm grateful. I don't know if I'm happy. But I'm grateful. It's truly an odd feeling. I'm trying to figure this whole thing out. Like why am I celibate? I know I'm hoping it's a sacrifice to God to get a reward. A specific reward. Because I want a deeper human connection. Because I want a wife…I'm sober because I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to be live like her or be like her. I don't smoke because it drives me crazy. It makes me hear voices. Plus it makes me lazy. Makes me not want to do anything at all. An it's like fuck man…well what external happiness do I have?
8:51pm- I really don't understand what's happening to me. I really want to do nothing but be a father. Love a woman while heartily and go through life's up and down with someone. But at the same time I long for success, for the riches of the world so I can be free to do as I please. To replace women with new ones when the old act foolish as if I'm not a catch. But both scenerios is my ego. It's like there is purpose in just existing. Just being alive. But to exist without purpose without a goal without a destination…it's like what am I doing? What is my life about? My son's anger me, my situation angers me. I'm fucking everything I'm supposed to be and single. But worst I don't have to be single. It's literally women who want to be with me and I'm stuck on some fucking girl who is living in the past hurt over her dead baby daddy and wants to drink and eat dick to numb those feelings. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY LIFE ABOUT? WHAT IS IT AMOUNTING TOO!?...I'm going to bed, I'm frustrated I'm angry I'm hurt I'm sad I feel an overwhelming sense of emotions and it's so hard to figure out what it's trying to tell me.
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