🙌🏿🙏🏿🥱
5:40am- I did the same thing last night. Went to bed late and woke up slightly tired. Not super tired but definitely not like I had a full night sleep…also I need a sleep journal. I've been having dreams but I can't remember them when I wake up. I barely remember how they make me feel. It's like just images and flashes. Let me get up and start my day. I gotta get my sleep schedule back in order.
7:23am- last night I was flirting with Shyan and I remember what she asked me. She said what don't you like? Because you seem pretty open to everything. An immediately I said I don't like women who don't want to grow. I don't like people who don't want to change. An like today I'm thinking about it. What don't I like? An then I start thinking of E and it's like yeah. I don't like that…she didn't like animals, I didn't like that about her. She don't like trying new foods or new things, I don't like that about her. She don't like talking to me or listening to me, I don't like that about her. She don't want to grow as a person or take accountability, I don't like that about her. As I started thinking about what I don't like. I realized I don't like her personality. I don't like her. She claim to love her mom but didn't wanna do anything to help her mom. Only give money nothing else. An only give money if she watched her daughter so she can go to clubs and bars. Like what are you doing? How is that love? An it's like well why do you want her back than Joseph? Is it the comfort of already have been with her? But it's also like I don't want her back. I've always been in love with her potential. In love with the glimpses of a actual good person that she showed. When she acted feminine towards me. When she spoke her mind openly, when she called me out on my shit, when she challenged my thinking and have her opinion, when she wanted family time, when she acted like a mom doing school work with the baby. I fell in love with the potential. The glimpses of a WOMAN. Not the girl she acts like constantly…but you can't be in a relationship with potential. You can't build a life with potential. Which is why I keep praying and have been praying. God heals her, God heals her heart so she can be her potential. Heal her so she can grow from a girl to a woman. An if it's God will, send her back to me healed. Send her back as a woman ready to give love and be loved. An I will cherish that woman and treat her right. Other than that, keep her from me until I've found my person. But I like Shyan, she got ambition, she has drive and desire for a better life, she's actively working towards it as well. And she talks an I like that. I asked her out to dinner, she said yes. In two weeks we can go out. So I'm like awesome, I like the sound of that.
10:10am- it's going to be a long day today.
1:28pm- I genuinely feel better practicing being me. Saying what I'm afraid of, saying what I want, saying how I feel. Just speaking my truth. I really enjoy it. I really like just being me. An at times I'm scared to be myself. Scared I'll be rejected or ostracized but it's like. That's God will. That's what God wants. Or it wouldn't have em happened. Being me openly and honestly can only lead to happiness. It can only end with me having the people in my life that like me for me. It'll only end with me having real genuine people around me.
6:50pm- I actually feel tired…I think I'm shower and go to bed.
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