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6:13am- Day two of my complete fast. I’m expecting to hear something from God. some type of sign or message. Something is supposed to appear to me though. I should get a clear message from God. because I have no distractions. No more noise or problems in my life. Now it’s just me, my kids, and God. no one else. I’m not talking to anyone or reaching out to anyone. By the end of this month by her birthday I expect to hear something. I wanna hear something from God. because I still have feelings for her and I need to understand if I’m supposed too. Or if I simply have a problem. Also my cousin sent me a book that I’m going to start reading. After work is when I read and in the morning is when I write, exercise, and journal.
6:50- when I say I’m on a fast, I’m talking no text or phone calls. My phone is on DND mode. I’m going to leave it like this until the end of the month. I gotta figure out why I don’t want to be alone. Why I want a relationship so bad. Is it that I want to be distracted? So this is my chance. No distractions and becomes ok Joseph lets see what you do. Lets see if you get anything done. Plus I feel like if I do this God will speak to me. He will tell me something, give me a sign about the path to take. Show me what I’m supposed to do, what I’m supposed to learn. Clearly I’ve not learned something thus my life is a repeat of what it’s always been. So it’s like what the actual fuck. Just show me lord, tell me what the fuck is going on. I haven’t been praying, because it honestly feels useless to pray. It feels like God doesn’t answer prayers..but then it’s like bro look at your life. How can you say that. You have your health, you have wealth, you have a stable job, your children are safe and healthy. How can you say God doesn’t answer prayers? Why because you want a wife and he hasn’t given her to you. An you want her for what? To distract you from doing anything. You just want to be able to tell someone all your great ideas and desire and never actually work towards them. Because someone will say, oh wow what a great idea. Like I walked around saying i’m going to buy a house but never did and knew I kept making excuses because I was scared to buy it alone. Scared to do it by myself. But I did it and that counts for something. An it’s like yes, it means we can do things alone. We can do everything alone and be ok. But it’s like I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to do anything alone. I want to do life with someone. I want to do life with a partner. I don’t know what the fuck is going on man. I gotta just go through this period. Go through this alone time. So my phone is on DND and only my boss and the DCF people can call me. An that’s how I’m going to leave it for a while. Until I feel like yeah let me check back in with people I care about and love. An whoever is there when I come back is meant to be in my life. An whoever is not is not meant to be in my life…I did think about Jessica(20) today. I would’ve married her, she was a sweet girl. She just didn't want to change. Hell Edith (mail) don’t want to change. It’s like all I meet is women who don’t want to change. Does that mean I don’t want to change? But pretend that I do? Act like I do? Say that I do? But I have changed…I have done the work to be different. So that can’t be right.
3:08pm- I think I get it .. I've always been so focused on other people. How others see me how they treat me how they see my value. I never actually sat and realized it doesn't matter. I always react to how others treat me and I get angry. But it's not about others. That's what self love means. It's like I always tell Jophiel. Just be you. Regardless of who other people are. Just be you. If they're mean and nasty and you want to be kind and loving towards them. Do that regardless of them. Because you're doing it for you. Unless you're doing it for them.
4:51pm- yeah man I'm done trying to control and be someone else. I'm just be me. Say what I feel, reach out to people. Speak my truth. I'm supposed to have an interview tomorrow but doubtful that that'll happen. The lady didn't email me back. But I'm get my CDL information. I'm gotta get the fun back into my life. Back into my time.
6:02pm- the constant back and forth of my faith. Of my heart can be annoying. But it's also a sign that I'm not aligned. I'm not doing or speaking or focusing on what matters. I'm not being the real authentic Joseph. An that's who I want to be. I'm about to go buy a cigarelo and some kava. I'm in a good mood and want to indulge my old self. My lower frequency. I don't even have the urge to smoke but I'm going to force myself. It's like I just realized something I never knew but did know. I can't force anything. Everything is out of my control. I have to literally just go with the flow. Go with the flow. So now I'm just going to be me. I'm just going with the flow. I'm go get some kava.
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