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5:03am- there are so many things I've learned about myself when I just really talk to myself and be honest. I really look for the easy way with everything. I barely put effort into anything and my feelings are hurt when things don't turn out how I want. I legit hate rejection and fear failure. So don't put in consistent effort. An that's what this journey is about. It's so much deeper than I can say right now. But it's like I finally see it. I finally see how much fear is actually inside me. How much I legit move from my ego. I've existed from my ego. An I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want to be that guy.
6:50am- I'm go take him to the dentist. Then get my CDL back and if the lady emails me back I'm go to this interview. I might make videos Saturday night. Today I may just relax and watch a movie. Or do some writing for real. I've been sticking to writing in the morning. Get it over with. I wake up, exercise, drink water, journal, check my budget. Then boom start the day. Send out my morning text to my family and friends around 5:30. That's around when I respond to them as well. Because my phone is on DND. I've legit not been checking my Twitter, text, phone calls, or watching YouTube. I just sit with myself. Sit with my thoughts and emotions. Listen to my affirmation loop. I'm relisten to my audible books.
12:44pm- my baby boy survived and did good. Today I feel emotional but I'm still sitting with it. Sitting with myself…I also realized it doesn't matter who I'm with. I'm always going to feel this insecurity inside me. It's something I have to conquer. Something I have to get over. I realized my past pain has really molded me. It's really turned me into a person of constant fear. Hurt them first, leave them first, prepare for them to leave…I don't want to be a pessimist but it's hard not to be. It's definitely my mind my ego. Constantly saying plan and maneuver. Be ahead of others don't get caught off guard. Always have my guard up. But I'm not my past, I'm not my pain. I am. I am being. I exist in the vastness of nothing. That means something.
3:50pm- I have been feeling so aimless today. Like I got home and I should’ve went and got my medical card for my CDL but I said fuck it. I started doing laundry then I did a little yard work. Nothing major literally just lite yard work. An I feel so aimless. I want to open my text but it’s like for what? To talk to people? For what? To distract me…but distract me from what? Then I realized I feel like I have no purpose. When I go to work I feel purpose because I’m doing something tangible. I’m working…but when I’m home it’s like I do whatever I want to do. An what I want to do is spend time with someone. I think really what I’m saying is I desire a family. A life partner and maybe even a new baby. I think for sure I want a baby. Whatever I need to distract myself.
8:38pm- my fear and insecurity is my own.
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